Struggles

I've been struggling since the beginning of the year with me the ideal vs. me the reality. I've had all these ideas of how I would act as a teacher, the types of lessons I would do, and how I would create my classroom environment. I know this is only my first year and I shouldn't expect to be close to my ideal, but honestly, I feel like I am just yelling too much! I've always had this idea in my head that I would be loving, open, and honest with my kids. I honestly believe that if you have a positive environment for them, they will act positively. I have not been acting upon my beliefs and I sometimes find myself yelling, getting mad, and getting frustrated. This leads to me not planning fun and engaging activities and just overall not feeling good some days.

I have one student, HD, that I have been really struggling with. He has a very hard time listening and following directions in almost any situation. He is openly defiant with all adults, and will do things intentionally to get attention. He can not sit still for more than 10 seconds without touching something (or another student) or making noise. My biggest issue is that he disturbs the learning for the rest of the class. I have other students that have a hard time focusing during whole-class activities, but they don't disrupt the rest of the class. HD will just bother other students. I've tried so many intervention strategies with him, but nothing seems to work! We finally had a Care Team meeting for him, but his mom didn't come! I know how he acts is probably a result of the lack of love and affection at home, but it's SOOOO hard to stay positive with him.